I can't believe it.
I'm married to F.Q. Biggerd, the millionairess.
She's not a millionairess, you ass.
Didn't her mother leave her something?
Wait. It'll come to me.
No, it won't. Will you get off of this?
I told you, she hasn't got any money, God damn it!
Wait a minute.
Listen, kiddo. Let me just straighten the picture on the wall right now, okay?
If I'd have gotten my divorce, you wouldn't be married to anybody.
You'd be behind bars, where you belong, you cheap crook.
Now do yourself a favor and stay away from her.
Nick.
- Nick, how is she? - She's still out cold.
- Nick. - What?
Listen, doesn't she have some money in her own right?
Get off of this. I told you it's all in Daddy's hands. Period.
This is purely a love proposition between her and I, God damn it.
But wait a minute, Nick.
Listen.
You may be saving me from the Mann Act, kiddo...
but I am saving you from the gallows.
Now, when we get to Chicago, if you'd prefer me to call the bank...
and point out the embezzlement of some $1,500...
- by their dummo ex-bank teller... - Come on, Nicky.
...which I have covered at great personal cost.
Come on, Nick. You don't have to make these unpleasant threats.
Do you wanna go to jail, or do you want to go to California?
- California. - All right.
Good morning. Did you have a nice night?
I'm sick as a mutt.
God, what a night to remember.
All a complete blank.
She can't drink among other things.
I feel great.
Slept like a top first time on a train.
Feel like a million.
Excuse me. Have we met?
Yes, dear, you have. This is your husband. Oscar Sullivan.
- Oh! I am sorry. How do you do? - Don't mention it.
I'm not quite myself.
- Would you like some eggs, dear? - Please don't say that.
What does the F.Q. Stand for?
Fredericka Quintessa.
Fredericka Quintessa Biggerd.
Biggard.
Freddie is fine.
Oh, Freddie. That's cute.
Oh, please, don't eat. Don't eat.
Fredericka Quintessa Biggard.
Just quit throwing your weird thoughts and misinterpretations onto the thing.
I wasn't. I was for a second knocked for a loop.
- Because I find it insulting. - No, it wasn't.
I'm really very happy for you, Nick.
I think she's a lovely looking, and probably a very nice...
It's not in your best interest to find her too attractive, you know?
- I didn't say "too attractive." - Just keep it in mind.
Yeah, I mean, from the front maybe...
but to me, not that much from the side.
Now, I don't mean bad, though. I mean it's not as alluring as from the front.
She's not as good looking as your wife, though, don't you think?
I know.
I'll be right back.
I'd like to say that I think there's a want of intelligence...
in bringing too much notice to ourselves, kiddo, you know?
It just lacks foresight.
Well, I was just gonna play a few hands.
Because you're the husband, and I'm the brother.
And we don't want, not that it would ever happen...
we don't want these clowns to have the opportunity to say...
we were peculiar in any way.
That the husband was always playing cards...
They couldn't say that. This is the first game.
...while the brother was under the rose with the sister.
It just doesn't look nice.
So try to stay to yourself.
You know how high the percentage of convictions on the Mann Act is, kiddo?
I'll bet you in round figures...
it's more than for murder, robbery, and rape, all told.
Half of these geepos get snagged by just a simple lack of foresight.
It's dumb.
Dumb stuff.
It's not necessary.
Transporting a woman across a state line for immoral purposes.
That's a lot of crap.
- Where is... - Indisposed.
Indisposed.
Is she sick again?
Up in the saddle.
The monthly.
Oh, the monthly.
Yeah.
The mousy's bedtime.
The mousy's what?
That's what we call it.
My mother, when I was a kid.
Now, this takes me back.
She used to have me run down to buy mouse beds, she called them.
So, I wouldn't be on to what they were and get embarrassed...
which later I definitely did refuse to do it.
But then she'd say:
"Run down and get me a box of little mouse beds, honey bug."
"Mouse beds"?
Yeah, in the funny strips, you know. You've seen it.
The little mouse in his red coveralls, and his little hole in the wall...
with a lot of little mousy furniture.
And even a little bitty radio set...
the size of your fingernail, you see.
And a mousy little bed that he sleeps in. You've seen it.
And she pointed this out to me:
"Lookie there, Oscar...
"at the cute little creep mousy in his mousy, mousy bed.
"Go down to Fatool's and get your mud...
"a big box for the little mousy to lay his head."
You didn't wonder what the hell she was doing with all these mice beds?
No.
Because women are afraid of mice. You know that, don't you?
No, I didn't wonder.
I'd have been curious.
Mouse beds.
I got to tell Freddie that one.
Momsie.
He was absolutely hideous to me. I could cry.
Oh, now, now.
He cursed me.
Oh, God, that's awful.
He said I was a profound disappointment...
and a cheap wanton, and I don't know what else.
You didn't tell him where we were going?
He said I begrimed his name.
Oh, what a...
He wouldn't listen to a word I said.
He said as far as he was concerned, I no longer exist.
And that he's going to cut me out of his life...
as if I was some kind of unwanted wart or something.
Oh, God, what kind of a daddy is that?
That's that. The worst is over, Momsie.
We just don't want to give it another thought.
You know, a mean man, and a man of means...
often means the same.
Oh, well, pooh to him then.
What do I care, kiddies?
I may have lost one man, but I've fallen heiress to two.
That's right. You're right.
Goodbye, blues.
These things are nothing but death traps.
Isn't this exhilarating, sweetie?
I've always wanted to do this.
I just know you're going to love it.
This is something right out of Buck Rogers, isn't it?
I feel like old Lindy!
Like a bird.
- How are you enjoying yourself? - Nice.
I've been reading up quite a bit about flying, you know...
in an aerodynamics booklet.
I don't know the first thing about it.
Well, you know, the great pressure of going 90 miles per...
forces the wind until it...
Hey!
Oh, excuse me.
The lemon is for air sickness, sir.
- What does it do? - You suck on it.
Los Angeles in five minutes.
Just ignore him.
What were you doing up there? How are you?
Thank you. Excuse me.
Oscar Sullivan.
Thank you. Next.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
What is this?
A guy walks a wing...
and supposedly his friends say nothing about it?
No one's impressed. No one's impressed, jackass.
Oh, sweetie.
God damn it! I knew we should have assumed some names.
You ever hear of Ormer Locklear?
I asked you and I asked you.
But, no, you want to cause the whole thing to fizzle up in our faces.
- You want to put us all into striped suits. - I don't agree.
That's rich.
Did you ever once stop and think what a mess you'd have put me into...
if you'd have fallen off?
If I thought I was gonna fall off, I wouldn't a done it, stumpo.
I was optimistic. I wouldn't.
I'll tell you why I did it if you're so interested.
You went and put my goddamn neck at risk and Freddie's.
We'd be here, across I don't know how many state lines without a husband...
you drawing unnecessary attention to us by falling off a plane...
and getting squashed to death.
Come on. Will you hurry up?
You wanna know why I did it or not?
I know why you did it. I could drop my pants and do the same.
What about me? I'd like to know why.
Okay. Tell me in the taxi.
It's private.
Why?
All this whole trip, you've been more or less ignoring me.
- Oh, baloney. - Yeah, you have.
I've been mostly placed in the position of being left alone like a fifth wheel...
and not being made to feel like I'm included.
Well, I just got married. Do you mind?
Hey, I just got married.
Wait a minute.
No, this is no fun, and I'm not planning on putting up with it.
Okay, Oscar. Okay.
I'm sorry. What can I say?
Except that I'm glad that you brought it to my attention.
I really am.
Well, yeah.
So you should pay some attention to the fact, you know...
that after all, I'm here, too.
I want to hear from you now, kiddo.
What do you think? Do you like the place?
Really nice?
Well...
I don't know, Nick.
It's not much like the picture you painted.
Well, maybe we can do a little better when we both have a job.
But frankly, this is close to what I can afford for three people at present.
What do you think, honey?
What do I think? I think...
Well, I love it. I think it's adorable. I think it's a dream.
You do?
Well, why, if you like it that much, why then...
Why don't we just go ahead and take it?
What do you think, Nick?
This is Mr. And Mrs. Oscar Dix here, and I'm Mr. Wilson.
I'm Mrs. Dix's brother.
How do you do?
And may I ask who is to be the responsible party?
I will be the responsible party.
All right. As the responsible party, Mr. Wilson, a few things.
We can have no cats, dogs, children...
picture people, drinking, noisy gatherings...
or raucous behaving of any kind.
How about it today, kiddo?
Are we gonna come up with a situation for you or not?
Well, I'm trying, you know.
Do you think I'm not? I'm out there every day.
All day, wearing down my shoes. It's rough.
Yes, so you've been saying.
I surely don't want to press you.
But it strikes me just a little bit unfair...
that I'm carrying the whole load here while you lie around like...
I'm not lying around.
I haven't got entirely up yet.
Look, kiddo.
I'm trying my damnedest to get Beatrice to come up with this divorce thing, okay?
What if it's gonna take couple of months?
This is the point. You just can't let me foot all the bills.
I've reached the decision, Nick.
I didn't come all the way out here just to repeat my old life.
Now, what do you think I ought to do?
Be calling up Freddie every hour on the telephone...
and see if you're out doing your part?
Now, wouldn't that be a sorry thing?
Hey, Nick.
You didn't leave me any money for carfare or lunch.
Morning, Oscar.
Morning.
So glad someone's still here.
Well, I haven't completely got going yet.
It's so God-awful...
to wake up and find yourself all alone. I just hate it.
It's my least favorite thing.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
You know what I usually do?
After I listen to the damn birds tweet-tweet...
God, bedlam.
This is what I do every morning.
Four, five...
six.
For the waist.
Well, you have a very nice figure, to begin with.
But I've been trying to do a backbend.
Well, I could show you how to do that.
- You could? - Yeah.
Well, let's do that sometime.
- And to pick up a hanky with your teeth. - I'd love that.
I'd just love to surprise Nicky one night...
by just casually leaning over and picking something up...
and never mention a word about it.
Wouldn't he go wild?
- You know what? - What?
Nicky's getting me a Victrola.
And a typewriter.
Too bad we can't have a puppy dog here.
Tear-stained cheeks.
Do you want a little doggy?
Well, something.
What's your birthday come on?
My birthday? Why do you want to know about my birthday?
Well, you never can tell.
Somebody might just wanna surprise you with a little doggy on your birthday.
Lord, that's very soon now.
Where do I plan to be on my way to then, for heaven's sake?
To Europe with my sweetie.
He can afford to go to Europe.
Well, well, well.
Well, maybe we can, and maybe we can't.
The main thing is to get this divorce thing out of the way.
I'd better go and get dressed.
Baby. Chickie.
All right, that's enough. Put that thing away.
It's so little. It just breaks me to pieces.
I'm gonna break it to pieces and put it in the garbage.
- Look at it with me, sweetie. - No, I will not look at it.
Just for one second.
Boy, this character will go to any extremes to get attention.
I'll tell you, he'd better get himself a job this week...
or that's it. No ifs, ands, or buts. I mean it.
Let him play the big gift-giver with his own money, that little Bolshevik.
Honey, just look at this little baby thing.
I'm gonna throw it out the window.
I think it thinks I'm its mother.
You ever hear the moral about the little monkey...
that had the bad habit of copying every damn thing he saw?
Oh, yeah, that's a good one. You ever heard of Chicken Little?
Well, I refer to it apropos of that little cream-catcher on your lip.
What, this?
That's right. The monkey-do moustache.
Are you trying to be suave?
If you think I'm trying to copy you, you're bent.
No? Who had it first?
What, were you born with a moustache or something?
- A lot of people have moustache... - Kiddos, please.
Are we gonna have a good time or not?
I know. Let's all sing something.
Let's sing...
I mean, this exact style?
Hey, I've run into a dozen people out here that have this exact style.
- Who? - Oh, you name them.
Gilbert, for instance. Navarro.
Navarro who?
Ramon, John Gilbert. I'm speaking of...
Give me John Gilbert.
These are your friends now?
I didn't say anything about friends, did I? I was referring to their moustaches.
What do you want me to do? You want me to be a night clerk?
Please drop me off at the corner.
Yeah, how about night and day clerk at the YMCA...
which is right where you're headed for?
- You goddamned little leech! - Shut up!
Give me that, you porker!
Hey, don't talk to me like that!
- Watch it. - You watch it!
- I'll put your goddamn nose in! - I'm happy to hear it, Nicky!
God, get me out!
- I'm happy to hear it. - Let me out of here!
No one pays any attention to my feelings.
Momsie.
I got one or two stories of my own that I could tell.
I am bored to insanity with these rows.
I want to call my daddy on the telephone.
Get back in the car, dear.
Go on your stinky picnic.
Freddie, did you hear me?
No, I said! I'm gonna stay here until someone nice comes along.
You damn pooh-pooh faces!
Freddie, you don't mean that.
Love has turned to hate!
It's all right now, honey. Come on.
I can't stand being with the two of you.
Because Oscar isn't going with us.
God! You nearly scared the pants off me.
I brought you this food for your little chickie.
Oh, thank you.
Don't you look like a little kewpie doll.
One time, I dressed up in my brother's clothes...
very late at night, after everyone was asleep.
And I went promenading around the streets.
Devil-may-care.
You know, with my hands in my pockets.
Of course, there wasn't a soul around to see me.
Chickie.
Or they would have packed me off to an alienist.
I did feel like a real individual.
Sit on my lap, you cutie.
No, I'm not going to sit on your lap.
What for?
Sit on my lap.
Now are you gonna start anything funny if I do?
I won't try anything funny that you don't want me to.
Will you give me a piece of candy?
But you're not gonna be naughty. No, I really don't want to.
Come on.
What's this foible you got about just sitting on a guy's lap?
- 'Fraidy cat. - Applesauce.
Keep your hands to yourself. I'll sit on your lap till the cows come home.
- My hands are to myself. - Okay.
- I'm sitting on your lap. - See?
- So what? - My hands are to myself.
Chickie.
Oh, I love my little chickie.
Chickie.
Peep, peep.
Who gave it to you?
Chickie.
Never even got a kiss for it.
You did so!
Give me a little kiss.
Now, there you go.
- Give me a little kiss. - I'll just give you a little peck on the cheek.
No, what am I doing?
No, I refuse to. Let's stop, please. Listen to me.
No, we can't, please. Listen to me.
Fins, fins, fins!
I refuse to be unfaithful to Nicky. Fins!
God, I must be out of my mind!
Who's the actual one being cheated upon...
if the truth be told...
according to the State of New York...
not to mention, the eyes of God?
No one has to be the wiser.
Now, wait. Your leg's in the wrong place.
Yeah.
Oh, my!
Oh, how are you there, Mrs. Gould?
- Well, are we practicing the bandino today? - I don't know. I doubt it.
Yeah, you really do. You look cute as a bug.
Maybe I am a bug.
That's right. You're Nicky's little bug.
So, what, hit me like a ton of bricks.
Lunch time in Providence.
Oh, my.
What's this, Freddie?
I don't know.
- Your Frenchies? - Not mine, dear.
I just now said to myself: "What in the world are you doing?"
What am I doing? I'm just trying to keep the place moist.
No, me, Mrs. Gould. I just said to myself:
"Hey, where are you going and why?"
Well, I tell you, I feel like a million bucks.
I think we should keep some things to ourselves.
I am going to keep it to myself. I tell you, I just...
Pardon me for saying this, but your fiddle case is open.
Oh, how you doing, Nick?
Home for lunch?
Me, too.
What's up?
Do I go through your drawers, Nick?
I don't go through your drawers.
It's all over, pal. You just went a little too far for my money.
Yeah? What did I do now?
Forget the slosh. There's the evidence.
You tried to force yourself on her.
Force myself?
Force myself.
You wanna know the whole truth?
- She allured me. - Don't give me that.
I hate to tell you what it led to.
- Freddie. - That's a lie.
- Sit down, Freddie. - I told you. We just petted a little.
If you wanna believe him instead of me, please do.
Petted, my big toe. Not in my book.
Freddie, did you do it with this creepo?
Who knows what I did? Some stupid thing. I don't even know what.
I was faced to the stupid wall.
You're several times more interested in each other than you are in me.
The way I've been treated, you ask me how I feel.
You dirty, rotten, little snitcher.
God, I hate all these squabbles!
I tried to stay away from this issue, Nick. Take my word for it.
You're getting a premature divorce, kiddo.
Now, wait a minute. This throws me back.
I want you out of here, right away. Get me?
- Wait. Because I... - Once and for all, God damn it!
I've come to the decision that I don't want a divorce at all.
I saw in the papers where they sent...
a very prominent dentist up on the Mann Act.
- Two years in a slaver's cell. - Watch yourself, kiddo.
You happen to see that, Nick?
Who knows, I get thrown out on the streets, I might feel resentful.
Go and write an anonymous note to some of these here interested parties...
and leave you to face the charges.
You crooked little son of a bitch.
You do that, Nick, and I'll come right back at you.
Boy, you take me for a dumbbell.
There's maybe hundreds of thousands involved here.
- You're a maniac. - Don't talk to me about divorces.
I told you she can't expect a cent.
Not from Daddy, maybe, but don't try and kid me about Mama.
She's got money coming from her mother on her birthday.
- You're crazy! You're a dreamer! - Her mother's Quintessa.
The Quintessa lady on the box.
You think I'm dumb? I checked up.
I didn't tell him.
Nobody has to tell me anything. It dawned on me right away.
She's the mouse-bed heiress!
All right. So what? She's divorcing you!
You're in line for nothing.
- Zero. Understand? - Yeah?
You think I've been breaking my hump for nothing, you bastard?
You gonna come up with so much as a peanut?
- I'm the husband in the case. - Zero!
You ever heard of community property? I just consummated the whole thing.
So there's no loopholes. You take me for a moron?
I know my rights.
Maybe I wanna go to Europe, too.
The shoe's on the other damn foot.
I'm getting a funny feeling that money is all anybody cares about in this room.
Freddie.
That's not true.
The minute I know someone's lying to me, I stop feeling for them immediately.
Please don't give Nicky any crap now.
- You don't love me. I can tell. - That's right. He doesn't.
- Will you shut up? - Face the facts.
Leave me alone!
You're trying to kill me! I'm gonna call the police!
I don't care what happens to me!
Do you hear me?
I'm gonna call my daddy on the telephone.
I'll tell him everything you've put me through.
And I hope they throw us all in jail!
Go ahead! Go on ahead!
For all you put me through!
You bastard! You sons of bitches! I hate you!
I hope you'll never ever gonna get anything from me.
I'm gonna give it all away first.
I'm gonna give it all away!
I don't care who gets it.
I'm gonna give it all to charity!
You've made my life a perfect hell!
I don't care what happens to me!
Now let's not go off half-cocked now, honey.
Don't talk to me.
- Because, Momsie... - You're half-cocked.
...nothing has changed here. You know that.
You liar!
So just calm down, and stop behaving hysterically.
Don't talk to me.
I'm gonna get on a train.
No, no.
No, you just think about who's been deceived here...
and how hard it is for me to try and forgive what you did to me today behind my back.
Balls, balls, balls!
So I'm not gonna set foot outside this house until you make up your mind...
to calm down and come to some sort of decision.
Goodbye, dear.
I'm not gonna try and influence you.
But this guy's a potential menace, as far as I'm concerned.
You leave me alone. Leave me alone.
The scales have fallen from my eyes.
I don't know what I've done to deserve...
such a self-centered pair of bastards!
Now what'd I do?
Please open the door.
Momsie, I never, you know, had anything in mind...
but the object of your complete happiness.
Now, are you gonna accept that or not?
Now, yes, the situation has been allowed...
to drift a little off the beaten track, honey...
but Oscar and I have come to a mutual understanding...
and for the sake of all of our peaces of mind...
from now on there's gonna be absolutely no problems.
You understand that, honey?
You think I can be happy when I know how unhappy you've been?
I tell you, I've been about as unhappy as a man can be...
that this thing has gone sour, dear heart.
Miserable and unhappy.
Tell her me, too.
Did you hear me, honey?
Whatever you want to do, dear...
you just go right ahead with if it makes you happy.
It's absolutely fine by me.
All right?
So good night, dear.
Good night...
Did you hear me, honey?
Now what?
She's gonna give it all away.
A fortune down the drain.
Boy, oh, boy.
You've ruined my life. That's all.
You know what I actually feel like doing?
I'd like to get a hold of a gun and...
just bang!
Like that.
Solve all my problems.
What are you staring at?
You could do that?
You could do that to her?
To her? What to her?
I can read between the lines, kiddo.
Read between the lines, my foot.
I don't come up with these ideas on my own.
- Oh, no? - No.
I was speaking editorially of myself.
- You leaped to conclusions, not me. - Okay.
Forget it. No one's to blame.
Let's just say it came up accidentally.
Yeah.
Well, accidents do happen, you know?
Yeah.
No one's to blame, for that matter.
I'm just talking out loud.
Well, if we're speaking hypothetically...
nothing of an accidental nature could occur until after the birthday.
Of course not, right?
Then one would have...
some period of grace before she'd actually...
come into possession.
But after the birthday, then what?
The husband would legally, you know, be the...
- whatcha-ma-call-it? - Yeah.
Touchy.
You know, Nick...
hypothetically, I'd go absolute halves with you.
I hope you know that.
You want to sleep on it?
Happy birthday, dear Freddie
Happy birthday to you
Well, now, you know, most of your average people...
won't know a venomous reptile from a large garden worm.
Oh, no. It has to be an absolute, authentic, poisonous snake...
or he won't work with it.
You don't say.
These are more or less rattlesnake here or pit vipers.
What about that one?
That's Old Pete. He'll run you $1.
Okay.
Give me $1.
I hope you're sure about their being poisonous...
because none of them are making for you.
They ain't gonna none of them make for Old Tom.
They know Old Tom would kick the sap out of them.
Now I ain't gonna guarantee you, you can charm a rattlesnake.
Oh, yeah, sure. He's done it.
Oh, I don't know how many times.
You don't say.
Now be sure you hold him akimbo from your body.
Now what?
Well, what this famous guy, Casper De Mange did is, he put the snake...
into a canvas bag, I believe...
and then he stuck his wife's foot into it...
and he held it there until she got bit.
Oh, we can't do that. She'd know we were doing something.
No. He chloroformed her...
something like that first, and then he...
Well, we can't do that. The guy was a clown.
We gotta work out some way we can...
maybe go up into the hills and have it occur in a natural setting.
Maybe, you know, plan another picnic.
Maybe.
I feel a qualm about this snake, kiddo.
Oh, you do? What qualm?
Well, let's leave him here and take a look in the morning.
Is it all right?
Oh, my.
Ask Nick if you don't believe me.
Well, it's going to improve. That's my goal.
And anyway, I just adore trying various recipes.
What's this, dear?
Okra.
In a way I'm just loving it...
because it recalls my old doll house days...
when I was just a little baby girl and I used to spend hours...
pretending to serve tea.
Well, you're still Nicky's little baby girl...
aren't you, my little mud pie?
Oh, you're so je ne sais quoi...
I could just eat you.
It's sticky.
Don't eat it if you don't want to.
Really, if you don't like it, because I'm not that way.
Oh, no, I like it, it's just... Is it supposed to be kind of slithery?
I really don't know.
I know, these are eggs.
I'm so happy.
Isn't this fun for a change? You have to admit.
Oh, yeah, honey.
I just feel so relieved...
now that I've decided what to do with that damn money of mine.
You know, I was trying to recall some of these charities...
that my mother was very, very involved with.
Because I know she would be so pleased that I would put it to that use.
- Do you want some more of anything? - What else you got?
I made a dessert.
For breakfast.
Damn, it didn't set.
What is it?
Tea?
- Oh, go jump in the lake. - What is it then, dear?
I don't care to be the butt of your amusement, Nicky.
I give up.
And just keep asking yourself, "Then where will I be?"
- Keep asking yourself. - I don't care.
I don't give a damn where I'm gonna be. It's just not in me, this sort of thing.
It's just not in me. It's all over.
One of the first principles of applying mindism...
is to never let negative feelings block the path to your goal.
Otherwise, you are always sinking back into discouragement.
Oh, leave me alone.
What I do is, I envision my goal...
and I put myself into a trance. And I go to sleep.
This is the technique which is what I'm using here...
where I have come up with a foolproof plan...
we haven't even come up with yet, or even thought of.
- Now what could that be? - What?
Suicide.
I have thought of that. I've thought of it.
Then you follow my thinking.
The rent, dear.
Thank you.
Now, dear, I got to confess...
to any of these disturbances you've been hearing lately.
I thought I'd better tell you that my sister and my brother-in-law...
haven't been hitting it off, and the truth is...
they've been having some pretty bad rows.
My, oh, my, that's what I was afraid of.
Yes, yes, they have, and it's been going on for some time...
to the tragic result that he's moving out of the house on her...
and he's gonna take up residence in a hotel.
Well, I didn't want to say, but just not so long back now...
I heard her screaming like a stuck pig.
And then what, to my chagrin, do I see but Mr. Dix leaping out the window...
like Bandit Bill without so much as a fare-thee-well.
Oh, yeah. This has been going on and I'm very concerned for her here.
Naturally, because she's so overly emotional...
Well, anyway, maybe she won't go to that extreme, but...
I don't know why...
in such a glorious world as we've been provided with...
birds, the sunshine, of beautiful trees, and flowers...
and the radio...
why people don't get on any better than they do.
- It just makes me sick. - Yeah. Thank you.
Oh, you found more hooch.
You genius.
- It's locked. - Bedroom.
Come on, come on. Hurry up.
Harry?
Hey, now what, now what?
Now you were gonna drive me to the hotel.
Yeah, yeah, I didn't say I'd drive you.
Go over and spend the night at the hotel.
Go on, hurry up, hurry up.
You did, too, say you were gonna drive me.
Now how am I gonna get there?
Walk, damn it, walk! Go on, get out the back...
and don't let anybody see you. Will you get going?
I forgot how to get there.
I don't even know the name of the street, Nick.
You said that you were gonna drive me.
Will you get out of here? Go anywhere!
Check into another hotel, go to the YMCA, it doesn't matter.
My suitcase is at the hotel.
This doesn't sound like a suicide note. It just doesn't sound right.
Burn this, flush it down the toilet. Then get out of here.
Turn off that damn light. I'm asleep, you're not even supposed to be here.
"Life has lost its meaning.
"Love, Freddie."
Mr. Wilson?
Will you get out of here? Go on.
Mr. Wilson.
Get out of there.
Hello? Mr. Wilson.
What's going on here this time of night?
I found poor Mrs. Dix lying out here in the lily pond.
What are you talking about?
She's just soaked to the bone. Can you imagine?
Thank heaven something jarred me awake.
I sat bolt up, and what to my surprise as I looked out the door...
- Oh, now is that Mr. Dix? - Oscar!
- Pardon me? - There are others.
Oh, she must be unhappy to get herself so squiffed as to come out...
and fall into the pond.
Well, I'm afraid she did it on purpose, dear.
She did it on purpose.
Oh, well, get her out of those wet things or she'll catch her death.
She's soaked through and through.
Hear what I said, dear?
The door's locked.
Oh, my goodness. Well, I'll just run and get my keys.
Don't give up.
You move over!
Back up!
Come on. Move that thing.
Hey! Why don't you move along?
Move it. Hey, come on, move it.
Back up, will you? Back up a little bit.
Okay.
Back up, you son of a bitch!
Get back!
What'd you do with the shoes?
Where are her shoes?
- They're back there. - Well, go get them, damn it.
We gotta put them on the side here, where she goes into the water. Go get them.
You go get them. I'm always the one. I gotta rest.
Oscar!
We were supposed to take her out of the trunk, God damn it!
Oh, God.
Is that gonna look like suicide? Now how is that gonna look like suicide?
Oh, God! My mind went blank.
Get in there and get it back.
I thought I saw somebody and I got excited.
Come on! Get in there and get it back!
- We got to get it back! - Boy, oh, boy.
Oh, you jackass son of a bitch, maniac, bastard.
You shouldn't have put her in the trunk.
I told you, "Don't put her in the trunk."
You goddamn pinhead. You wanted to cause suspicion...
carrying a body around in broad...
You don't think that a trunk causes suspicion?
A trunk is one of the most suspicious things...
that you could possibly think of.
- Shut up. - No, hey, you shut up.
I'm not going to take the blame for every single thing.
Oh, God!
I tell you. I've seen more trash thrown into that bay...
Well, I couldn't tell you, I...
We don't know the first thing about it.
People throw more refuse in there you could shake a stick at.
Well, we're just sitting here. I mind my own business.
I've stood out there and seen toilet seats floating by.
Pretty as you please.
- I don't doubt it. - Believe me. People ought to be shot.
- Now what? - Oh, okay.
Let's get every thing clear in our minds.
First, we get back to the house...
we get into bed, and then whatever happens...
that's where we've been, we don't know a thing.
- I don't go to the hotel. - She was upset, we were asleep.
How'd she get in the trunk?
Oh, yeah.
Let's put our heads together.
Let's deal with the trunk.
- Jesus Christ! - Yeah, yeah!
One, it's bound to sink. Trunks don't float forever, damn it!
When it sinks, we can just assume that she'll float out of the trunk...
and then, see, it'll just appear as if...
How does it sound?
- Well, Nick, I... - Oh! I should've left her shoes.
Yeah, but what if...
No. It's gotta sink, I'm telling you.
Go along with me, eventually it's gotta. Trunks don't float, God damn it.
What if it does, say? What are you gonna say if it does?
- What am I gonna say? - What're we going to say?
- To tell the truth... - I'm thinking.
What I'm thinking is, just in case.
I'm thinking we ought to have a plan whereby we leave town.
No. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. First of all, we get back to the house.
- No hotel. - No.
Proceed just according to plan.
According to plan, we get up...
we find the note, and...
No, we changed the note.
We get alarmed.
And then I run over to Mrs. Gould's, you call the police.
Oh, God.
And you tell them the story.
No, you tell them. I'm not gonna know what to say.
Just what I've been telling you, what I told you.
Now pay attention. That's all we know.
Nick, I'm not gonna be able to remember all this.
All right, just act shocked and break down.
Yeah.
In other words, I don't go to the hotel.
No. We just go back to the house, okay?
Back to the house, that's all we know.
That's all I know.
What I'm thinking, though, is just in case, I think we'd better...
Okay, let's go back to the beach!
Back to the beach! I'm not going back.
We should've never left the scene. We'll get a rowboat.
Oh, no, I'm not... I could no more go back there.
- Don't shrink on me, you bastard! - Wait a minute, will you relax?
That goddamn thing will never sink!
Now look what you got me into, you homicidal maniac!
You son of a bitch! Get out of there!
Where am I?
Long Beach.
I wonder what I did last night.
Nick!
What time is it?
- I'd say... - You know what I'm thinking?
Forget everything I said.
What I'm thinking now is, why don't we just tear this note up...
and we don't call the police.
We just wait around here for the rest of the day...
and we see what happens.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
See what happens. I agree.
Yeah, yeah. I think so.
We wait... No, maybe we wait two days, and then...
if we don't hear anything...
then we get alarmed.
We show a natural concern as to her whereabouts...
and then we call the police.
Yeah.
Yeah, we then call the police.
How does that sound, more natural?
To me it's more natural, yeah.
I'd like to get calm...
and take the time to get my story straight first.
Yeah.
I think so. We'll wait.
So it doesn't look too pat.
I think you should go over to Mrs. Gould...
and ask her if she's seen Freddie, and etcetera.
Just to plant the seed.
- Yeah, what time is it? - I think you should do it now.
We just got up. Okay?
- Okay. - Yeah.
We just got up.
Has she seen Freddie?
- Nick. - What?
- The police! - The police?
- Two policemen. - Well, what do they want?
Maybe they found her.
- Oh, God. Now what? - Will you shut up?
What'll we do?
Keep quiet, God damn it.
Remain calm. Follow my lead, whatever I say.
Now, we've been asleep. You're very distraught.
- Mr. Wilson? - No, no.
- Are you Mr. Wilson? - Oh, no, excuse me.
I am Mr. Wilson. I didn't quite hear you correctly.
I'm Mr. Wilson. This is Mr. Dix right here.
Oh, God!
I'm so upset.
- What's wrong with him? - I didn't mean to do it.
It's his wife. He's really torn up.
I'm sweating like a horse.
They haven't been getting along.
And when he got up this morning...
We were asleep, you know. I was just gonna call you.
We got up this morning and we found...
We got up and we found this.
Would you step out here, please?
I just got caught in a web of circumstances.
Yes?
- Do you know anything about that bus? - Oh, yes, I can explain that.
Will you shut up, Oscar?
Because I actually had very strong feelings for her.
You're getting too distraught, because we can explain the bus.
The bus wasn't my idea.
You see, he's going off the deep end, poor fellow.
He stole the bus. I just went along.
But it was his idea to put her in the trunk.
Because I didn't know what at the time I was doing.
Oscar, I don't know what you're going on about.
I'm not this kind of person.
Oscar, they just wanna know about the goddamned bus!
- The bus? - Yeah, bus.
It was just in the nature of a practical joke.
Put who in a trunk?
I really should go home sometime...
to get some clothes and face the music.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Help think up a story...
You make John forget the time, don't you?
...because they must be beside themselves by now.
The victim was a lovely person...
small in stature and, not as you might say physically...
but due to her peppy personality she was a good deal of fun to be around.
We were always laughing it up.
And you know, I've been wrestling with my conscience...
in regards to this $200,000 inheritance...
which now, due to this tragic state of affairs...
I'm not sure if I'm still in line to get it or not.
But if I do...
I plan to donate half to charity...
and half to my mother, back East.
All right now, here's the true account of how this all came about.
Do you want me to put it all in a nutshell?
Oh, I'm having such doubts.
I always like to try and at least present things in as kind a light as possible.
Because this is the man I loved, after all.
Send him a card.
I just hate to be the cause of a lot of bad feelings all around.
Write him a note.
After Nick wrote the suicide note, we then carried the victim out...
and put her in the pond.
This pond?
- Yes. - You tried to drown her in this pond?
Yeah, just... This is to inform you...
that certain things have... That's all.
- Have what? - Straight to the point.
Jack, I can't get you in.
Oh, that's swell, Jack.
Oscar, could we have you pointing down to the pool?
Surely.
Everybody look down at the pool. Fine.
Now hold it.
Good. Very, very, nice.
Why did they have to go and call the police?
Boo-hoo.
You know, I don't feel I should be drawn into a domestic scene here.
Okay, go ahead, then what?
Then we picked her up and carried her back out here.
- She was still alive at the time? - Yes, sir. Very much so.
I forgot the chicken.
Is this the note?
No, I don't know. Is it?
I don't know anything about any goddamn notes...
because I didn't write any notes. What does it say?
"Dear Nicky, this is to inform you that things have changed."
Some suicide note.
Okay, hold it.
We then carried the victim through the kitchen...
and out into the garage.
- Who's that? - The victim.
Wait a moment, madam, wait a moment.
We are not about to cause you harm.
Now wait just a moment. Everything's all right.
Why don't you sit down here, and let me talk to you.
I'm Sergeant Power of the Second Precinct.
I must inform you of the series of somewhat bizarre events...
that were confessed to me by the man who is apparently your husband.
But both men were involved.
The gist of it, according to the little guy...
when attempting to make it look like an accidental occurrence...
they went out and purchased a poisonous snake...
with the intentions of inducing it to bite you.
For some reason, this failed to transpire.
Oh, no.
I would never believe that in a million years.